Lately I have been experiencing a lot of failures.The words that I spoke to my children to encourage them are ringing in my ears now. "It's the failures in your life that breeds success. How you handle failure is far more important than how you handle successes. You cannot grow spiritually without failures."
That is so true. It is the failures that build character and strength.
But, when it is your failure, well that is another thing. Never teach someone something that you are not ready to experience yourself. I guess you think that failure will end but it never does.
Last year I decided to learn a very difficult (over 10 page) piano piece -- Carl Von Weber's famous Perpetual Motion -- to be performed at the Ladies Music Club, Pianist Division meeting, some of the best pianists in the city. I practiced that piece which is performed at blistering speed so much, that I memorized it. The day came to perform it. I got there early and played it thought almost to perfection.
When I performed it, I got to the second page and totally went blank. So flustered was I that I could not go on. I was crushed, humiliated, defeated, and in tears. Self sabotage thoughts ran through my mind, "it doesn't matter how hard you practice, you will always fail."
For about six months I could not touch the piano. It literally made me anxious to think about. I thought of resigning from the club and wondered if I would ever want to play again ever. Over reaction? I guess some could say so but for me the whole point of joining the club was to overcome my fear of performing and improve my playing. I wanted to play with confidence and now I am feeling completely shattered.
Recently, I thought of those words I spoke to my children. Hypocrite, practice what you preach. I went to the piano with some anxiety and begain playing that very piece. It was full of mistakes but I was beginning to not take myself so seriously. "Oh that is really bad but I guess it can only get better." Right then, I decided that I would not resign the club, and I would play again. Next time I will pick a less ambitious piece but I will not let any poor performance totally defeat me. With my ego adjusted, I will take myself less seriously, and in the end I will play and perform with greater confidence and I will have to work even harder at it and sooner or later I will again be successful at the keyboard.
The same is true with my art. Sometimes criticisms are helpful; sometimes they are destructive and discouraging. It is, after all, someone's subjective opinions. In the end it is I who will have to be the final judge. As I work, I will gain self confidence and improve. Don't we all want the approval of mankind yet, that in itself can be very destructive to creativity. Once again my ego is well adjusted and in the end I will finally produce art that I can be proud of. If I can please myself, that should be enough for I would have done the very best that I can do.
The sketches I posted are from a life drawing session. There is great joy in just fulfilling the process of making art. Success and that little elusive red dot "sold" only serves to augment that present joy but if that is all one lives for, that monster can never be satisfied.So it is in the valley of despair that we grow. Joy comes in the morning.
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